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Âî âðåìÿ óæèíà â ñåìüå Óèñáåê, êîòîðàÿ êîãäà-òî îñíîâàëà Îáùåñòâî àíãëèéñêîãî ÿçûêà, ïðîèñõîäèò óáèéñòâî. Òåïåðü ñîáðàâøèìñÿ ðîäñòâåííèêàì, ãëàâàì ïîäñîîáåùñòâ, ïðåäñòîèò âûÿñíèòü, êòî æå ÿâëÿåòñÿ óáèéöåé ïðè óñëîâèè, ÷òî íè ó êîãî èç ïðèñóòñòâóþùèõ íåò ÿâíîãî ìîòèâà ñîâåðøèòü íå÷òî ïîäîáíîå. Èç-çà ýòîãî âñå îíè ñòàíîâÿòñÿ ïîäîçðåâàåìûìè. | ||
EIGHT MINUS ONE
Ann Anikonova
Each family has skeletons in their cupboard.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SOCIETY (THE ELS) WAS FOUNDED IN THE 9TH CENTURY. IT INCLUDES ALL THE EARLY EXISTED AND NOW EXISTING ACCENTS AND DIALECTS OF ENGLISH. THE FOUNDER OF THE ELS IS BRITTANIA WISBECH, WHOSE FAMILY HAS BEEN RUNNING THE SUBSOCIETIES: AMERICAN, AUSTRALIAN, IRISH, COCKNEY, WEST-COUNTRY, GERMAN ETC. THE MAIN SUBSOCIETY IS THE BRITISH ENGLISH SOCIETY. MISS BRITT HAS BEEN THE HEAD OF THE BES SINCE 1830. THE STATUS OF THE HEAD IS TRANSMITTED BY BIRTH TO THE OLDEST CHILD EVERY 235 YEARS. THE HEADS OF EACH SUBSOCIETY MAKE SURE THAT AN ACCENT OR A DIALECT IS NOT FORGOTTEN AND BEING DEVELOPED. THEY CAN CHANGE LANGUAGE LAWS AND RULES.
AT PRESENT THESE ARE THE HEADS OF THE SUBSOCIETIES:
MISS BRITT WISBECH Á€" BRITISH ES (SINCE 1830).
ALPHARD WISBECH Á€" COCKNEY S (SINCE 1840).
FINA WISBECH Á€" IRISH ES (SINCE 1831).
DEAN WISBECH Á€" WEST-COUNTRY ES (SINCE 2015).
ERIC WISBECH Á€" AMERICAN ES (SINCE 1842).
ARTHUR PHILLIP WISBECH Á€" AUSTRALIAN ES (SINCE 1788).
PATRICIA WISBECH Á€" GERMAN ES (SINCE 1936).
SCENE 1
DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTÁ€™S HOUSE
There is a table and chairs on the stage. AUSSIE comes in.
AUSSIE
GÁ€™day, mates. IÁ€™m flattered to be chosen to share this story with you. Although it is very traumatic for me, I feel like you need to know what exactly had happened in detail.
AUSSIE sits.
AUSSIE
It was supposed to be a usual family dinner. Miss Britt [MISS BRITT comes in] invited us, her relatives, to her house in England. We havenÁ€™t seen each other for more than 25 years.
MISS BRITT stands next to the table and starts putting the dishes on.
AUSSIE
Miss Britt is too quick-witted. SheÁ€™s a smart and serious woman who cares about her image and reputation. ThatÁ€™s why she wants this dinner to be perfect. There will be tons of articles about our noble and ancient family reunion.
MISS BRITT
Fina! Bring the glasses! [little pause] Oh, whereÁ€™s Alphard? He was supposed to arrive a half an hour ago!
FINA comes in with glasses in her hands.
AUSSIE
ThatÁ€™s Fina, a free spirit. She
is the artistic soul but some people find her loony as they believe that sheÁ€™s able to talk to ghosts. I guess they went troppo [AUSSIE twists his finger at the temple]. She might be a bit distracted andÁ€i [FINA accidently drops a glass] clumsy.
MISS BRITT
(angrily)
Fina!
FINA
(raises the glass)
Sorry, auntie! Look, itÁ€™s not broken!
MISS BRITT
And still, be more careful. [MISS BRITT looks at her watch] Where is Alphard?! He promised to come earlier!
FINA
If IÁ€™m not mistaken, he was goinÁ€™ to pick up Dean.
MISS BRITT
(exhales)
Well, he was going to help me here too. Is everything ready?
FINA
(nods)
Almost. De roast beef will be ready by de time everyone arrives.
MISS BRITT
And what about your ShepherdÁ€™s pie?
FINA
(smiles)
In de oven.
MISS BRITT
Good. [little pause] To tell the truth, IÁ€™m a bit nervous. ItÁ€™s been 25 years.
FINA
(pats MISS BRITTÁ€™s arm)
DonÁ€™t worry. Dis dinnerÁ€™s going to be unforgettable. WeÁ€™ll have fun!
ERIC comes in panting with a box in his hands.
ERIC
IÁ€™m really, really sorry. [ERIC takes off his scarf] IÁ€™m not used to your sub- sorry, underground. It seemed like a challenge to me.
MISS BRITT
(comes to ERIC)
Eric! IÁ€™m so glad to see you!
ERIC
Likewise, miss Britt! [ERIC hugs MISS BRITT] ItÁ€™s been such a while! Here, look what I got you.
ERIC gives MISS BRITT the box. MISS BRITT sniffs it.
MISS BRITT
(takes the box)
Apple pie! Oh, IÁ€™ve missed it very much! ThatÁ€™s very kind of you.
ERIC
DonÁ€™t forget to add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to each portion before bringing them to the table. ItÁ€™ll be the perfect combination. [ERIC turns to FINA]Fina!
FINA
(hugs ERIC)
Haigh, Eric! How was your flight across de Atlantic?
ERIC
IÁ€™d rather forget it.
AUSSIE
Eric is always scared of being late but in real life he actually never is. However, between us, heÁ€™s a little bit of a liar. He knows how to use metro properly but sometimes he can just stand and stare at a cool car. DonÁ€™t get me wrong, Eric is nice and really good at cars but there are moments when his obsession truly scares me.
ERIC
(looks around)
Where is everyone?
MISS BRITT
I wish I knew.
FINA
Well, I deem Aussie and Rikki are goinÁ€™ to be late. Dey are cominÁ€™ from afar.
MISS BRITT
(irritably)
Which you canÁ€™t say about Alphard!
ALPHARD comes in, DEAN goes behind.
ALPHARD
(takes off his hat)
DonÁ€™ get too mad, me dear sister! I Á€©ave brought you a guesÁ€™!
MISS BRITT
(comes to ALPHARD and frowns)
You should have brought your arse here 40 minutes ago.
ALPHARD
(smiles)
IÁ€™m glad to see you too. DonÁ€™ make such a gloomy boaÁ€™ race.
MISS BRITT exhales and hugs ALPHARD.
ALPHARD
Oh, and this is for the hosÁ€™!
ALPHARD steps back, DEAN comes to MISS BRITT with a string of flowers.
MISS BRITT
(takes the flowers)
Oh, Dean! [MISS BRITT hugs DEAN] Thank you! How was your ride?
DEAN
Alright.
MISS BRITT
Glad to hear it! Please, take a seat.
ALPHARD and DEAN greet FINA and ERIC.
AUSSIE
Alphard is the true Londoner. He also might be rude and arrogant which is why sometimes itÁ€™s hard to have a convo with him. But heÁ€™s still a cool guy. And he knows everything about alcohol. One of the reasons he got along with Patricia so quickly.
AUSSIE
Dean has become the new Head of West-Country English Society only in 2015 thatÁ€™s why only Miss Britt, Alphard and Fina already know him in person. But as I know, Dean is not really a talkative person. He doesnÁ€™t like big companies and I think he would prefer to stay at his farm where his West-Country soul has spent these eight years. But Miss BrittÁ€™s invitation (and promised roast beef) melted his heart (and stomach).
ALPHARD
(comes to ERIC)
Mr. Americ! You Á€©avenÁ€™t changed.
ERIC
(shakes ALPHARDÁ€™s hand)
Oh, believe me, I did which I canÁ€™t really say about you.
ALPHARD
(turns to FINA)
I just Á€©ave a magic portrait which FinaÁ€™s made for me. I donÁ€™ age, I donÁ€™ change. RighÁ€™, Fina? I ainÁ€™ seen you here for a long time. Was you practicing for your fairy fings? [ALPHARD smirks]
FINA
Nai youÁ€™re laughing but dereÁ€™ll be a moment when I succeed.
ALPHARD
DoubÁ€™ it. This magic stuff doesnÁ€™ work, Fina. If you was gifted like your favuh, you wouldÁ€™ve already known it.
ERIC
(to DEAN)
ItÁ€™s so nice to finally meet you, Dean! [ERIC shakes DEANÁ€™s hand] HowÁ€™s your farm?
DEAN
As always. Nothing grows but grass.
ERIC
(being confused turns to MISS BRITT)
What did he say?
MISS BRITT
As always. Nothing grows but grass.
DEAN
But like a month ago someone sneaked in, frightened my cows and broke some branches of my trees and berry bushes. Wish I knew who had done it. Flash bastards.
FINA
Oh, datÁ€™s awful!
ERIC looks at FINA, then at MISS BRITT.
MISS BRITT
Someone sneaked in DeanÁ€™s farm, frightened the cows and broke some branches of trees and bushes.
ERIC
(nods)
Thanks. IÁ€™m not really used to West-Country dialect, itÁ€™s kindaÁ€i specific. And the situation is bad. DidnÁ€™t you go to the police?
ALPHARD
(gets a pipe out of a pocket)
Nah, he didnÁ€™. Dean ainÁ€™ believe in them. And speaking of Á€©is dialect, all I say Á€" you ainÁ€™ just spent every weekend of these eight years going fishing with Á€©im. I Á€©ave but sometimes I still question some of his phrases.
MISS BRITT
(takes the pipe)
DonÁ€™t smoke in my house.
FINA
Oh, are you goodj at fishing, Dean?
DEAN
I suppose.
ALPHARD
Suppose?! DonÁ€™ be shy! HeÁ€™s the besÁ€™ fisherman I know!
Heels ring on the floor.
ERIC
(turns to the door)
Familiar sound.
PATRICIA comes in.
PATRICIA
Guten Tag, meine lieben Freunde. Wir haben uns zuá lange nicht gesehen.
ALPHARD
Wow, this is our distanÁ€™ relative! Here we speak only English, frau Patricia [german accent].
PATRICIA
Ja-ja. Das ist alles Quatsch.
ALPHARD
Genau. [ALPHARD kisses PATRICIAÁ€™s hand]
AUSSIE
Meet Patricia, or more correctly to say Á€" Patricia [german accent]. However, she doesnÁ€™t like when we imitate German accent and thatÁ€™s why we call her just Pat.
MISS BRITT comes and hugs PATRICIA.
PATRICIA
(comes and hugs FINA)
Fina, meine Fee, hallo! [PATRICIA hugs FINA]
FINA
Hello, dear Pat! Please, take a seat.
MISS BRITT
Pat! ItÁ€™s so lovely you managed to arrive!
PATRICIA
Ja! IÁ€™ve missed you and old mother England. Eric, you havenÁ€™t changed at all!
ERIC
(smiles softly)
Believe me, dear Pat, I did.
PATRICIA
Und Dean! I heard so much about you. So glad to finally meet you.
DEAN
(shakes PATRICIAÁ€™s hand)
Me too.
AUSSIE
Pat loves travelling. I believe sheÁ€™s already seen the whole world but every time I ask her about that, she says the same thing: Á€®There are too many places to visit in this world.
And to hide if you are tired of people. I havenÁ€™t seen all of them yetÁ€«.
PATRICIA
I couldnÁ€™t come without a little present.
MISS BRITT
Pat, dear, we have so much food today.
PATRICIA
(gets a bottle out of her purse)
ThatÁ€™s good, because I brought some wine.
ALPHARD
(takes the bottle)
IÁ€™ll take care of it.
ALPHARD goes to the table and starts filling the glasses with wine.
AUSSIE
When Pat and Alphard met for the first timeÁ€i HmÁ€i I donÁ€™t remember when exactly. Alright, never mind. When it happened, they immediately became friends because of their common interests andÁ€i [whispers] basically their alcohol obsession.
PATRICIA
Am I the last one to arrive?
FINA
No, Pat, we are still waitinÁ€™ for Aussie andj Rikki.
AUSSIE
to the audience
I beg your pardon.
AUSSIE goes away.
PATRICIA
Oh! Australian folks. Gut, gut. Aber what about Arthur himself?
MISS BRITT
He wrote a lettuh in which he apologised for being not able to visit our family dinner. HeÁ€™s too busy now Á€" getting ready for the ceremony. I believe Á€" to transfer the reins of power to Aussie. ThatÁ€™s why Arthur sent him and Rikki here.
ERIC
(surprisingly)
Is it already AussieÁ€™s turn to become the Head of Australian English Society?
MISS BRITT
Yes, itÁ€™s been 235 years since Arthur founded it. The ceremony will take place in Sydney this December.
ALPHARD
Á€©ope, they invite us.
MISS BRITT
Of course, they will. [pause] Well, Aussie and Rikki will probably be late, so please, dear guests, let us begin.
MISS BRITT
(stands, smiles and raises a glass)
Let me raise the first toastÁ€i
RIKKI
(runs in panting)
Wait!
AUSSIE goes behind RIKKI with a big bag in his hands.
FINA
Rikki! Aussie! YouÁ€™re almost on time!
AUSSIE
And we would be exactly on time ifÁ€i
RIKKI
This is my fault. I asked Aussie to fly over the South Pole.
PATRICIA
(being surprised)
Over the South Pole? Aber why?
RIKKI
(looks down feeling guilty)
I thought itÁ€™d be fasterÁ€i
MISS BRITT
Oh, my child, I should give you a world map.
RIKKI
You already did. But your map was turned upside down for some reason.
MISS BRITT
(shakes her head)
Oh, Rikki. Please, both of you, come to us. I was about to propose a toast.
AUSSIE and RIKKI sit at the table.
MISS BRITT
(stands and raises a glass)
Let me raise the first toast to us. To our family. I cannot describe how happy I am at the moment that, not all of us, but a part of us could be here today. LetÁ€™s also welcome the new Head of West-Country English Society Á€" Dean [EVERYONE applauses]. Hope you will help West-Country dialect develop. To the House of Wisbech!
EVERYONE
(raises their glasses)
To the House of Wisbech!
EVERYONE takes a sip. ALPHARD chokes on.
ALPHARD
(looks at his glass, then at PATRICIA)
PaÁ€™, whaÁ€™ is thaÁ€™?
PATRICIA
Wine.
ALPHARD
Non-alcoholic wine, PaÁ€™.
ERIC
(surprisingly)
Is it?
ALPHARD
Yes. WhaÁ€™ does it mean?
PATRICIA
Robbie und I decided that there was too much beer on Oktoberfest, so we need some rest from alcohol. ItÁ€™s healthier und besides it tastes almost the same.
ALPHARD
Á€®AlmosÁ€™Á€« is the key word.
FINA
Come on, Alphard, it tastes weirdj only for you. Stop giving out.
RIKKI
(empties her glass)
Yes, itÁ€™s actually dinky-di (really) good.
ALPHARD
Only because you donÁ€™ know what true nectar tastes like.
MISS BRITT
Should I get you a bottle of peach brandy?
ALPHARD
The one that Fayetteá left?
MISS BRITT
Yes.
ALPHARD
No.
MISS BRITT
(whispers)
Then drink this and donÁ€™t get on
everybodyÁ€™s nerves.
ALPHARD
(exhales and looks at PATRICIA)
Traitor.
ALPHARD demonstratively empties the glass.
ERIC
Fayette? Will she join us today?
MISS BRITT
No, unfortunately. The French English Society had faced some troubles and she stayed to solve them. But she came here about a month ago, brought that brandy.
AUSSIE
I havenÁ€™t seen her in a while.
PATRICIA
Ja, me too, is she alright?
ALPHARD
Yeah, but these Society Barney Rubbles are exhausting sometimes.
ERIC
Oh, Miss Britt, before I forget, IÁ€™d like to ask Á€" is there still a possibility that the Congress on the English language development will take place in the USA, not in Canada?
MISS BRITT
No, Eric. IÁ€™ve already signed the paper. Besides, it was you who told me to change the venue.
ERIC
Yes, butÁ€i I reconsidered and-
MISS BRITT
No, IÁ€™m not going to change anything.
ERIC
Miss Britt-
MISS BRITT
Eric, the subjectÁ€™s closed.
Little pause.
FINA
Aussie, Rikki, how was your flight?
AUSSIE
Alright, ta! (thank you)
RIKKI
The flight was alright but the road to your house, miss Britt, was bloody ripper! Nothing can be cooler.
PATRICIA
Why so?
RIKKI
My father gifted me a new car! [ERIC chokes on] And I was driving all the way! The best feeling ever.
ERIC
(being intrigued)
A new car? Was it for your birthday?
RIKKI
(nods)
No- I mean, yeah. Yes. For my birthday.
MISS BRITT
But whyÁ€™d you transport a car here? You couldÁ€™ve taken a cab.
RIKKI
Aussie asked me to take it.
FINA
Aussie, if IÁ€™m not mistaken you hadj a car too, right?
AUSSIE
Yes, but itÁ€™s being repaired now.
ERIC
(to RIKKI)
May I take a look at yours?
RIKKI
Sure, itÁ€™s outside.
ERIC stands up.
MISS BRITT
Eric, do it after the dinner please.
ERIC
(being a bit embarrassed, sits down)
Yes, of course, sorry.
ALPHARD
HowÁ€™s Arthur?
AUSSIE
Good. Preparing for the ceremony.
PATRICIA
You must be so excited, Aussie!
AUSSIE
(smiles)
Yes, I am.
PATRICIA
I remember the day I became the Head of my society. I was so worried!
ALPHARD
We ALL remember thaÁ€™ day, dear PaÁ€™.
FINA
Yeah, I still believe it was de loudest holiday Germany ever experienced.
ALPHARD
(nods)
And the drunkesÁ€™.
PATRICIA
Bitte, donÁ€™t remind me about that part.
AUSSIE
turns to the audience
So called Á€®Pat DayÁ€« has been celebrated annually on the 25th of September since 1936. It is an official day out in Germany.
ERIC
I think nothing like this will happen to AussieÁ€™s ceremony, Arthur isnÁ€™t really into alcohol. He might not approve such a fun.
AUSSIE
Yeah, youÁ€™re bloody right about it. He said he would forbid any kind of alcohol. Right, Rikki?
RIKKI nods.
ERIC
Oh, I heard, a couple of months ago someone drunk hit two little boys to death not far from Melbourne.
AUSSIE
(nods)
Yeah, but as I know, the driver wasnÁ€™t identified.
PATRICIA
This is awful! That nutter can still be driving around Straíen. What if they cause any more accidents and deaths?!
AUSSIE
Police officers are looking for them.
MISS BRITT sniffs.
MISS BRITT
I donÁ€™t like the smell. Fina, please help me in the kitchen.
FINA
Sure.
MISS BRITT and FINA stand up and leave.
DEAN
Never been to Oz.
ALPHARD
Neither of us.
ERIC
Even you, Pat?
PATRICIA
Nein, aber itÁ€™s my dream, despite the crazy drivers. Oh, and IÁ€™m a bit scared of kangaroos. The are really ugly.
RIKKI gasps.
AUSSIE
(takes a sip)
You shouldnÁ€™t have said that.
PATRICIA
(looks at RIKKI)
Was?
RIKKI
DonÁ€™t you dare say anything bad about kangas. They are the sweetest! Especially my dear dear boy Jack! Here, I have a pic.
RIKKI takes for a photo of Jack and gives it to PATRICIA.
RIKKI
There he is, my Jackie boy!
ERIC
(being shocked)
YouÁ€™ve got a kangaroo as your pet?
RIKKI
Yes. I am not mad to keep a dog. Dingoes are dangerous.
ALPHARD
And kangaroos ainÁ€™?
RIKKI
No, if you cherish them.
PATRICIA looks at the picture and tries to fake a smile.
PATRICIA
(stops smiling)
Nein, sorry, I canÁ€™t. HeÁ€™s too big and scary for me. Looks like he can knock you out.
AUSSIE
Oh, he actually can.
DEAN
Cool, IÁ€™d love to see it.
ALPHARD
Yeah, me too.
PATRICIA
Nein, Rikki, itÁ€™s too much. I understand if you have a cat or a dog, but a kangaroo? Also, all these spiders and snakes und koala bears. Sometimes I donÁ€™t really understand how you live there. Und the more important question Á€" why?
RIKKI
(grunts)
For your info, [RIKKI takes out a picture of a koala] they are just koalas. This is Kimmy, by the way. And we live there cause itÁ€™s our home. In this case, I believe, Oz isnÁ€™t a good place for you to go. And even if you decide to visit it, you wonÁ€™t be able to Á€" I wonÁ€™t write an invitation letter for you-
AUSSIE
Dean, I heard someone had sneaked in your farm. Was anything stolen?
DEAN
Nah, just got my cows dreaded and broke some of the branches.
RIKKI
Who could do it?
ALPHARD
(takes out the pipe and a box of matches)
Some toÁ€™al idiots.
FINA comes in.
FINA
IÁ€i Alphard, donÁ€™t smoke. [ALPHARD clicks his tongue, rolls eyes and hides the pipe] IÁ€™m afraid weÁ€™ll have to wait for dinner for an hour if not more. Uhm, de roast beefÁ€i itÁ€™s uhmÁ€i too roasted.
DEAN grunts.
RIKKI
ThatÁ€™s OK. We can wait.
ERIC
Can I see your new car please?
RIKKI
Sure, letÁ€™s go.
RIKKI and ERIC leave.
AUSSIE
(to FINA)
You need any help in the kitchen?
FINA
I donÁ€™t know. Everyting is going not as planned, Miss Britt is nervous. I need to go out to do some messages. WeÁ€™re out of lettuce.
AUSSIE
IÁ€™ll go and help Miss Britt.
FINA
Tank you, Aussie.
PATRICIA
Who wants some more wine?
ALPHARD
DonÁ€™ even look at me. The stuff is gross.
AUSSIE
Rikki will, she loved it.
AUSSIE and FINA leave. PATRICIA fills RIKKIÁ€™s glass.
PATRICIA
(to ALPHARD)
ItÁ€™s not that bad.
ALPHARD
(nods)
Yeah, youÁ€™re righÁ€™. ItÁ€™s just awful. [to DEAN] Do you wanÁ€™ a cuppa Rosey, me dear mate?
DEAN
Tea? Á€©d love to.
ALPHARD
PaÁ€™?
PATRICIA
(takes a sip of wine)
YouÁ€™re right, itÁ€™s awful. LetÁ€™s
drink some tea.
ALPHARD, PATRICIA and DEAN leave.
MISS BRITT comes in with some napkins, AUSSIE goes behind with plates in his hands.
MISS BRITT
(puts napkins on the table)
Thank you so much for help, Aussie.
AUSSIE
Oh, itÁ€™s OK.
MISS BRITT
I canÁ€™t believe youÁ€™re about to become the new Head of Australian English Society. YouÁ€™ve grown so much. [looks at AUSSIE and smiles] I know youÁ€™ll be great. IÁ€™m so proud of you. Sure, Arthur is even prouder.
AUSSIE
Hope, he is.
MISS BRITT
Of course, he is! IÁ€™ve got a letter from him this morning but I was too busy to read it.
AUSSIE
A letter?
MISS BRITT
Yes, Fina brought it. It must be an invitation letter.
AUSSIE
(smiles softly)
I see.
Little pause.
MISS BRITT
IsnÁ€™t Rikki jealous of you?
AUSSIE
No, not at all. She knows the rules. The status of the Head is always transmitted by birth to the oldest child.
MISS BRITT
(smiles)
Yes, I remember. Just sometimes siblings can fight.
AUSSIE
Oh, we did a lot, but when we were younger.
MISS BRITT
Alphard and I still can fight.
AUSSIE
Well, IÁ€™m sure itÁ€™s not that serious and he loves you, even if he doesnÁ€™t show it. After all, youÁ€™re his blood sister.
MISS BRITT
Technically, a sister from another father. But it doesnÁ€™t really matter. You know, IÁ€™m not sure if he has a capacity to love someone. He loves alcohol, thatÁ€™s what I know for sure. But peopleÁ€i Well, he can sacrifice anyone and anything for his goal.
Little pause.
AUSSIE
He actually reminds me of someone.
MISS BRITT
Really? I canÁ€™t believe someone can be as cocky and selfish as Alphard is.
ALPHARD
(screams from the kitchen)
Miss Britt! I guess something is burning.
MISS BRITT
(raises her voice)
Well, if itÁ€™s your pipe, Alphard WisbechÁ€i!
MISS BRITT leaves.
AUSSIE turns to the audience.
AUSSIE
As you can see, nothing too special. Just some family members argue as they always do. But what happens next, will leave you speechless. I still canÁ€™t grasp how it has occurred.
RIKKI and ERIC come back.
ERIC
CanÁ€™t believe that youÁ€™ve got a new Maloo! Holden shut down the production of these in 2017. Well, and Holden itself ceased trading at the end of 2020. HowÁ€™d you get one?
RIKKI
My father knew I wanted this one. It was a special order from him to General-Motors.
ERIC
I thought Maloos were only green.
RIKKI
Usually are. But again, special order equals special colour. Sunny yellow and no other.
ERIC
This model is very rare.
RIKKI nods.
AUSSIE
to the audience
Eric has kind of a list of cars he saw and drove in his life. The cooler the car is, the more he can brag about it. And if Eric has an opportunity to own a cool car, he doesnÁ€™t see any obstacles.
ERIC
May I drive it?
RIKKI
(takes her glass of wine)
Sure. We can have a race after dinner.
ERIC
Awesome!
RIKKI takes a sip and chokes on.
AUSSIE
What is it?
RIKKI
Tastes weird. A bit bitter.
AUSSIE
Bitter?
RIKKI
Yeah. Maybe thatÁ€™s what Alphard meant. But I liked it. [RIKKI empties the glass] Dunno what happened to it.
AUSSIE
Maybe you shouldnÁ€™t have drunk it.
RIKKI
Nah, itÁ€™s fine. Need to ask miss Britt to open that bottle of peach brandy.
MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, DEAN and PATRICIA return.
MISS BRITT
Rule number one Á€" no smoking in my house! When will you learn that?
ALPHARD
When you allow me to smoke in your Á€©ouse.
MISS BRITT
(sighs)
Unbearable. [little pause] I am extremely sorry for this accident with the roast beef.
ERIC
DonÁ€™t worry, miss Britt. Anything can happen.
MISS BRITT
But not on the day of our reunion!
PATRICIA
(comes to MISS BRITT and pats her)
ItÁ€™s fine, miss Britt. We came here to meet each other, not to eat.
DEAN
WellÁ€i
ALPHARD
Just letÁ€™s think that the burnÁ€™ roasÁ€™ beef is the worsÁ€™ part of the day, alrighÁ€™? WhereÁ€™s Fina by the way?
AUSSIE
She said something about messages and lettuce and left.
MISS BRITT
To do messages means to do shopping in Irish English. SheÁ€™ll be back soon.
ALPHARD
Anyway, what do we do now?
ERIC
Shall I dance maybe?
MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, AUSSIE and PATRICIA
NO!
ALPHARD
WeÁ€™ve Á€©ad enough of this.
AUSSIE
to the audience
Believe me, youÁ€™d better not see that clown dance Eric performed the last time we met.
ERIC
(rolls hies eyes)
Alright, alright! Why donÁ€™t we go to the garden then?
PATRICIA
Oh, ja! [turns to MISS BRITT] You told me you had some new flowers in there. IÁ€™m dying to see new petunias, really!
MISS BRITT
Oh, thatÁ€™s Dean who brought me them! Actually, I believe he could give us a little tour, couldnÁ€™t you, Dean? He already knows everything about this garden.
DEAN
Not everything, but quite much, to be honest.
ALPHARD
Agh! You just canÁ€™t be that shy!
EVERYONE except RIKKI stands up and is ready to go.
RIKKI
(touches her stomach)
Go without me. IÁ€™ll stay here.
AUSSIE
Why?
RIKKI
I just feel a bit weird.
MISS BRITT
(comes to RIKKI)
Oh, sweety, shall I call a doctor?
RIKKI
No, no, itÁ€™s nothing, really.
MISS BRITT
IÁ€™ll stay with you then.
RIKKI
No need, miss Britt.
AUSSIE
IÁ€™ll stay.
RIKKI
No, Aussie, I promise, everythingÁ€™s fine. Probably I really shouldnÁ€™t have drunk that non-alcoholic wine. My throat is all dry.
ALPHARD
(pokes PATRICIA)
Told you, it was foul.
ERIC
We all can just stay inside.
RIKKI
Please, go, donÁ€™t stay inside only because of me. IÁ€™ll join you later. ItÁ€™s fine I promise. I just need a big glass of water.
MISS BRITT
IÁ€™ll ask Dorothy to get you some water and to look after you.
RIKKI
ButÁ€"
MISS BRITT
No Á€®butsÁ€«.
RIKKI
Alright, ta.
AUSSIE
WeÁ€™ll be waiting for you outside.
DEAN, ALPHARD, PATRICIA and AUSSIE leave. MISS BRITT wants to start going, but stops.
MISS BRITT
Sure, youÁ€™re fine?
RIKKI
(starts breathing a bit heavily)
Yes, miss Britt.
MISS BRITT
(starts leaving)
If you need something, tell Dorothy or call for me.
RIKKI
Oh, miss Britt, may I open that bottle of peach brandy?
MISS BRITT
(smiles)
Alright, IÁ€™ll get you it.
MISS BRITT leaves.
END OF SCENE 1
SCENE 2
GARDEN
A picture of the autumn garden is on the screen. Some chairs are on the stage.
AUSSIE, ALPHARD, PATRICIA and DEAN are on the stage. MISS BRITT comes in.
MISS BRITT
So, what about a little tour, Dean?
DEAN
Alright. [DEAN points at a tree] A maple tree. As I remember, itÁ€™s a gift from Laurie. [MISS BRITT nods] But no maple syrup now, only in the beginning of spring.
ERIC
Oh, Laurie! We see each other monthly and he always brings a big jar of this syrup.
ALPHARD
(takes out his pipe and sits on the chair)
ThatÁ€™s a Canadian symbol, whatÁ€™d you expecÁ€™? [ALPHARD catches MISS BRITTÁ€™s look] WhaÁ€™? WeÁ€™re noÁ€™ in your Á€©ouse, I may smoke.
ERIC
Yes, I get it and this is very kind of him. But IÁ€™m already allergic to maple.
MISS BRITT sits on the chair.
PATRICIA
Petunias!
DEAN
(nods)
My pride. These colours are unusual. The ones with black petals and bright pink spots are my favourite. A very rare sort.
PATRICIA
May I have some sprouts for my garden? They are so lovely!
DEAN
IÁ€™ve got some on my farm. Can get yer some. But yer need to plant them in May.
PATRICIA
Danke, Dean!
AUSSIE
(points at purple flowers)
What is that? Looks like a bellflower.
DEAN
Foxglove, or Digitalis purpurea. Be careful, itÁ€™s poisonous and even fatal.
ERIC
Poisonous?!
PATRICIA
Fatal?!
MISS BRITT
DonÁ€™t scare them, Dean.
DEAN
(smirks)
ItÁ€™s fatal in case of an overdose. May lead to cardiac arrest. DonÁ€™t worry, itÁ€™s harmless to look at. [AUSSIE leans forward and sniffs] Which I canÁ€™t really say about smelling itÁ€i [AUSSIE leans back] Kidding.
AUSSIE
Miss Britt, whereÁ€™d you get it?
MISS BRITT
Dean brought it. Almost everything here is planted by him.
ERIC
Dean, whereÁ€™d you get it?
DEAN
The Alnwick Garden. Yer heard of that?
AUSSIE
Yes, itÁ€™s in the northeast of England.
DEAN
Correct. People who work there kindly gave me some sprouts including foxglove.
ALPHARD
(smirks)
Kindly gave you?
DEAN squints.
AUSSIE
What else did theyÁ€i give you?
DEAN
Bean trefoil, or Laburnum. An extremely beautiful tree but all parts of it are poisonous so miss Britt asked me not to plant it here. However, IÁ€™ve got one on my farm. Just donÁ€™t eat its flowers if you come. What elseÁ€i Black cherry, or Atropa belladonnaÁ€i contains a very dangerous toxin. AndÁ€i Kath, or Cathaá edulis. Yeah. ThatÁ€™s all, I think.
ERIC
Kath? But thatÁ€™s illegal.
DEAN
If you use it inappropriately.
PATRICIA
Why do you need all of these?
DEAN
Kinda a collection. My farmÁ€™s a unique place. Yer can find there cows and poisonous plants at the same time.
DEAN, ERIC, PATRICIA and AUSSIE discuss something in the back.
ALPHARD
(to MISS BRITT)
Is everything alrighÁ€™?
MISS BRITT
(looks at ALPHARD)
Yes, why do you ask?
ALPHARD
You just look more worried than usual.
MISS BRITT
Like you care.
ALPHARD
DonÁ€™, actually. The atmosphere around you is jusÁ€™ really depressing.
MISS BRITT
(looks angrily, takes her eyes off ALPHARD and sighs)
This is not how I planned it.
ALPHARD
So?
MISS BRITT
So? ThatÁ€™s all that you can say?
ALPHARD
And whaÁ€™ am I supposÁ€™ to say?
MISS BRITT
Nothing, I just forgot youÁ€™re unable to support anyone.
ALPHARD
All I can say to supporÁ€™ you is Á€®stop being such a control freakÁ€«. We ainÁ€™ little children to be entertainÁ€™ or spoon-fed at the set time. Everything is fine. No oneÁ€™s dead.
AUSSIE
turns to the audience
Remember that.
MISS BRITT
WhatÁ€™s taking Fina so long? And Rikki?
ALPHARD
A queue for Fina, and the bottle of peach brandy for Rikki.
DEAN
(comes to MISS BRITT and points at a tree)
Miss Britt, where is this one from? I donÁ€™t remember it.
MISS BRITT
Oh, thatÁ€™s aÁ€i [MISS BRITT tries to remember] Kauri. Hope, IÁ€™m right. One of the oldest coniferous trees in the world. Kiwi brought it from New Zealand.
DEAN
Agathis australis. Never seen a one in my life, itÁ€™s so beautiful.
PATRICIA
(to MISS BRITT)
What do you mean by Á€®one of the oldestÁ€«?
DEAN
ItÁ€™s believed to exist in in the
Jurassic period.
MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, DEAN, ERIC and PATRICIA start a discussion in the back. AUSSIE comes closer to the audience.
AUSSIE
to the audience
Well, as you see, Dean can be kinda extraverted when the topic of a convo connects with nature. [AUSSIE sits on a free chair] WeÁ€™ve spent about forty minutes in the garden, talking. I was so involved, that, to my shame, I absolutely forgot about my sister. But it was Fina who reminded.
FINA
(runs in, panting)
Miss Britt! Aussie!
MISS BRITT
(looks confused)
Fina? Whot is it?
FINA
Rikki. SheÁ€™s bad, really bad. Go!
EVERYONE leaves the stage.
END OF SCENE 2
SCENE 3
DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTÁ€™S HOUSE
RIKKI lies on the floor, barely breathing, her arms twitching.
AUSSIE
(runs to RIKKI and gets on his knees)
Rikki!
MISS BRITT
(runs to RIKKI)
Saints! Anybody, call a doctor! NOW!
ERIC goes to the telephone and tries to get the number.
ALPHARD
(goes to FINA)
Fina, whatÁ€™s Á€©appened Á€©ere? Fina!
FINA
I- I donÁ€™t know. I came in here and saw Rikki. She was unconscious.
MISS BRITT
(listens to RIKKIÁ€™s breath)
Where was Dorothy?
FINA
Dorothy? She- She wasnÁ€™t in here.
MISS BRITT
Well go find her!
FINA leaves.
RIKKI
She- she wasnÁ€™t in hereÁ€i
AUSSIE
(holding RIKKIÁ€™s hand)
Rikki! Hang on, hang on.
ERIC
Doctor will be here only in twenty minutes.
MISS BRITT
Does it seem like she has these twenty minutes?!
PATRICIA
(pacing)
Was- what are we going to do?
RIKKI
I- I canÁ€™t breathe.
ERIC
(panicking)
What are we gonna do?!
MISS BRITT
RikkiÁ€i
ALPHARD
Not anyone in Á€©ere Á€©as ever done first aid courses?
PATRICIA
Have you?
ALPHARD
(quietly)
No.
ERIC
We donÁ€™t even know whatÁ€™s happening. Miss Britt, what do we do?
MISS BRITT looks at RIKKI and doesnÁ€™t answer.
DEAN
Very, very strange.
MISS BRITT
WeÁ€™ll wait for the doctor. Until they come, we need to keep Rikki stable.
ALPHARD
She doesnÁ€™t look stable.
MISS BRITT
(raises her voice)
Then we must make her look that way! Or else-
RIKKI
AussieÁ€i
AUSSIE
Yes?
RIKKI
PleaseÁ€i Promise me to take care of our father andÁ€i and of JackÁ€i and of KimmiÁ€i and of Oz. This is your destiny eventually.
AUSSIE
Rikki? [RIKKI closes her eyes] Rikki, donÁ€™t. Look at me. Rikki. RIKKI! [turns to others] DO SOMETHING!
EVERYONE stands in shock and sadness. FINA runs in.
FINA
I couldnÁ€™t find Do- [pause; FINA looks at others, then at RIKKI] No. RikkiÁ€i
AUSSIE
to the audience
This is how it was. [AUSSIE stands up] Suddenly, sharply, swiftly, like a bolt from the blue.
FINA
What happened?
AUSSIE
to the audience
The question we all asked. What happened? And also, how happened? Why happened?
PATRICIA
Is she likeÁ€i?
MISS BRITT
(coldly)
Yes. No breath, no pulse.
FINA
(comes to RIKKI)
Saints!
ALPHARD
Fina, what exactly Á€©ad Á€©appened before we came?
FINA
I- I know not much more tan you do. I was looking for you, but when IÁ€™d entered de dining room, I only saw Rikki on de floor twitching. DatÁ€™s it.
ALPHARD
(to DEAN)
Why did you say it was very strange?
DEAN
The symptoms were like sheÁ€™d got poisoned.
PATRICIA
Poisoned?
MISS BRITT
(stands up)
Nonsense. Who would do such a terrific thing to our Rikki?!
DEAN
Yer might do it not on purpose.
ERIC
YouÁ€™re saying that you can accidentally poison someone?
AUSSIE
IÁ€™m more interested in why do you think that symptoms like heavy breathing and twitching precisely mean poisoning?
ERIC
Oh, actually, she also mentioned dry mouth before we leftÁ€i
MISS BRITT
If right now there is a murderer among my familyÁ€i No, I canÁ€™t even think of it. WeÁ€™ll wait for the doctor and for what they say. Until then, no one leaves this house.
AUSSIE
to the audience
So, we started to wait. The doctor did really arrive in twenty minutes.
DOCTOR (DR.) CAMERON comes in and goes to MISS BRITT. MISS BRITT points at the dead body.
DR. CAMERON
I need you to put the body on a table. IÁ€™ll examine it.
AUSSIE
Alphard and Eric helped doctor Cameron to move RikkiÁ€™s body into another room.
DR. CAMERON, ALPHARD, ERIC, RIKKI and MISS BRITT leave the stage.
AUSSIE
We were waiting. Doctor Cameron managed to examine the body and come to the conclusion none of us liked.
Pause. FINA, DEAN, PATRICIA and AUSSIE sit on chairs.
ALPHARD, ERIC and MISS BRITT come back.
MISS BRITT
(to the curtains)
Yes, doctor Cameron, thank you. Yes, weÁ€™ll wait for them to take the body and begin an investigation.
AUSSIE
(stands up)
Investigation? What does it mean?
MISS BRITT
Aussie, dearÁ€i I am really sorry. We called the police Á€" it appeared someone had actually poisoned your sister.
AUSSIE and FINA
What?
PATRICIA
It might beÁ€i a coincidenceÁ€i nein? An accident?
ALPHARD
(sits on the chair)
No.
ERIC
Doctor Cameron said, the concertation of poison in RikkiÁ€™s body was extremely high.
MISS BRITT
We told her about the symptoms. [MISS BRITT sits on the chair] She said that an overdose of atropine had led to this.
Pause.
AUSSIE
Atropine?
ERIC
Yes, a very dangerous toxin, which isÁ€i contained in belladonna. [EVERYONE except MISS BRITT looks at DEAN].
DEAN
WhyÁ€™d yer look at me like that? I know what belladonna contains. I plant it on my farm. [Little pause, DEAN looks at EVERYONE] Yer donÁ€™t think I did it, do yer?
MISS BRITT
No, Dean. We are not suspecting anyone in here, weÁ€™re just waiting for police. TheyÁ€™ll be here in an hour.
AUSSIE
Maybe we should suspect someone.
MISS BRITT
Aussie, please, I know that youÁ€™re upsetÁ€i
ERIC
HeÁ€™s right. If there is really a murderer among usÁ€i
PATRICIA
What if they are not among us? We still didnÁ€™t succeed in finding Dorothy who was supposed to look after Rikki.
MISS BRITT
No matter where Dorothy is, IÁ€™ll take care of her later. All of her stuff, including money and documents, is in her room, and according to Rikki, Dorothy didnÁ€™t show up after weÁ€™d left. Besides, doctor Cameron said that poison had got inside about an hour ago, when we all were here.
ALPHARD
So, no need to blame it on Fina, I guess?
FINA
You wanted to blame me?!
ALPHARD
Well, yes. You were alone with Rikki before we came. Of course, IÁ€™d suspecÁ€™ you.
FINA
She was like a sister to me! Or do you want to blame everyone in tis room?
ALPHARD
If the murderER is in this room Á€" yes. Maybe someÁ€™ow, weÁ€™ll figure out who it is.
FINA
Well, alright, I blame you.
ALPHARD
I blame Eric.
ERIC
(frightened)
Me?! What? Why me?
ALPHARD
ItÁ€™s a relay, mate, just keep iÁ€™ going.
ERIC
(confused)
I- I blame Dean.
DEAN
I blame Patricia.
PATRICIA
Really, Dean? I blame-
MISS BRITT
ENOUGH!
ALPHARD
Or! Maybe itÁ€™s you, Miss Britt. That would be the mosÁ€™ stupid thing to do orÁ€i [little pause] the mosÁ€™ genius. No one would suspecÁ€™ the hosÁ€™. Good poinÁ€™, miss Britt.
MISS BRITT
(furiously looks at ALPHARD)
Alphard. [little pause] We are not playing games here. If itÁ€™s true and one of usÁ€i is involved in RikkiÁ€™s death, we have to take it seriously. We need evidence. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Little pause.
AUSSIE
Miss Britt. [MISS BRITT looks at AUSSIE] I trust you on this case. YouÁ€™ve had much more experience in things like these than all of us.
MISS BRITT
Thank you, Aussie. I cannot promise, but I want to believe that weÁ€™ll find out who did this. LetÁ€™s start from the very beginning.
ERIC
Belladonna.
PATRICIA
Dean?
DEAN
In my defence, IÁ€™ll remind yer that a month ago someone sneaked in my farm and broke some branches of my trees and berry bushes.
MISS BRITT
Yes, we remember that.
DEAN
How will you react if I tell yer that there were belladonna bushes as well?
FINA
You mean, someone broke branches of belladonna bushes dat time?
DEAN
Exactly.
ERIC
And youÁ€™re telling us this information only now?
AUSSIE
There was no point in telling us it before.
DEAN
Thank you, Aussie. And besides, why would I want to kill that young lady?
FINA
None of us had any reason to do it.
PATRICIA
ThatÁ€™s why this question doesnÁ€™t work.
MISS BRITT
Alright. Now the question is how did the poison get into RikkiÁ€™s body?
ERIC
It was supposed to get through food or a beverage-
AUSSIE
Wine.
PATRICIA
Was about wine?
ERIC
Rikki mentioned it tasted bitter when she drank it for the second time.
MISS BRITT
Bitter?
ERIC and AUSSIE nod.
PATRICIA
Was are you getting at? We all drank this wine und as you can see, we all are still breathing!
ERIC
Not all, but IÁ€™m just stating the fact.
DEAN
(stands up and takes RIKKIÁ€™s glass)
Is it hers?
AUSSIE nods, DEAN sniffs it.
ALPHARD
WhaÁ€™ is it?
DEAN
A too sweet, even rotten smell. ThatÁ€™s belladonna, no doubts. Probably, ground leaves and berries.
FINA
So, one of us did actually add belladonna in RikkiÁ€™s glass?
PATRICIA
That makes more sense than if you start blaming me on getting a bottle of poisoned wine.
MISS BRITT
No oneÁ€™s blaming you, dear Pat.
PATRICIA
Well, Alphard is. I can see it in his eyes.
ALPHARD
IÁ€™m just trying to realise what made you bring a boÁ€™le of non-alcoholic wine.
PATRICIA
I already told all of you, plus [German accent] I admitted that it was a bad idea. Besides, what reasons do I have to unalive Rikki?
ERIC
Pat, youÁ€™re just paraphrasing the question that doesnÁ€™t work here.
PATRICIA
And youÁ€™re acting too insistently, Eric.
ERIC
IÁ€™m just trying to solve the case. Why are you so nervous?
PATRICIA
Well, I donÁ€™t like being blamed for something I never did. Und öbrigens, you are not a detective here. Aussie trusted miss Britt on this case, sheÁ€™s in charge.
ERIC
IÁ€™m not trying to be in charge, alright? IÁ€™m just going over all the possible options.
AUSSIE
Eric?
ERIC
Hm?
AUSSIE
Did you like RikkiÁ€™s new car?
ERIC
(smirks)
Why are you asking this?
AUSSIE
Did you like it?
ERIC
WhyÁ€™re you asking this?
EVERYONE keeps silent.
ERIC
(getting angry)
Come on, cut to the chase. Spit it out.
AUSSIE
Eric, IÁ€™m just trying toÁ€i
ERIC
I mean, of course, I liked it. ItÁ€™s a new Maloo from Australia in a special colour. Who wouldnÁ€™t like it?
Little pause.
ERIC
DonÁ€™t tell me you think it was me only because I liked RikkiÁ€™s car. Really?
FINA
EricÁ€i We know how obsessed you can be sometimes when it comes to carsÁ€i
PATRICIA
And we also know that you can be a bit of a liar sometimes.
ERIC
I might fib, but not openly lie.
ALPHARD
You were alone with Rikki outside, when you two were watching her new car.
ERIC
Her wine was poisoned, alright? It has nothing to do with me and her being outside.
Little pause.
ERIC
Are we playing freaking mafia here or what? Am I the first one to get kicked out?
PATRICIA
(raises her eyebrow)
Why are you so nervous?
ERIC
Shut up, Patricia-
MISS BRITT
ENOUGH! [pause] We all are scared and nervous about this whole situation. But letÁ€™s not cross the line.
PATRICIA
If only we could ask Rikki about what might have led to such aftermath.
ALPHARD looks at FINA, FINA catches his look.
FINA
(smirks)
You donÁ€™t believe in tis magic stuff, do you?
ALPHARD
Well, IÁ€™m quite ready to believe in your fairy fings if they are the only possible choice.
MISS BRITT
(to FINA surprisingly)
You want to try it?
FINA
IÁ€™m not sure, butÁ€i it might work. Samhain has already passed and the peak has gone but I feel de power of de Oak, it is still on a quite high level.
AUSSIE
What are you talking about?
MISS BRITT
(stands up)
What will you need for it?
FINA
Oak leaves, candles and someting from Rikki: clodes, accessories, doesnÁ€™t macher.
MISS BRITT
Alphard, go. [turns to FINA] WeÁ€™ll prepare a room.
MISS BRITT and ALPHARD leave.
PATRICIA
Prepare a room for what?
ERIC
Fina?
FINA
Oh! Of course, you donÁ€™t know. Well, my great-great-grandmother, who was a sister of miss Britt and AlphardÁ€™s great-grandfather, married a Celt. And de Celtic kinÁ€i well, it has its source of power. De Saint Oak.
AUSSIE
The Saint Oak?
FINA
Yes. Samhain is de most important of four Irish, originally Celtic, holidays. It marks de end of de harvest season and de beginning of winter and is celebrated on de 31st of October.
DEAN
Like Halloween?
FINA
Yeah, datÁ€™s because Halloween takes its roots from Samhain.
PATRICIA
What about the source of power?
FINA
Oh. Celts believe dat on Samhain de boundary between life and death becomes blurred, so de Saint Oak and de help of our ancestors make it possible to contact spirits.
AUSSIE
(being shocked)
So, you are able to talk to ghosts?
PATRICIA
Fantastic.
FINA
No! It never worked out for me.
ERIC
Then how do you that itÁ€™s possible?
FINA
My father contacted my uncle after heÁ€™d died, so it is possible.
ERIC
You were there at that moment?
FINA
No, itÁ€™s a very private moment. Only de one who contacts a spirit is in a room.
AUSSIE
How do you know itÁ€™s gonna work out this time?
FINA
DatÁ€™s de ting, I donÁ€™t. I tried to contact my uncle several times on Samhain, butÁ€i didnÁ€™t succeed. Besides, tis Samhain has already passed so de chances are much lower.
PATRICIA
(smiles)
Aber still, there are chances. ThatÁ€™s everything we need now to keep believing in the best. [FINA looks at PATRICIA and smiles] Also, if it doesnÁ€™t work out, we wonÁ€™t lose anythingÁ€i or anyone.
ERIC
So, how exactly does it work?
DEAN
Some things have no explanation, Eric.
FINA
It requires de power of de kin and physical strength as de process is really exhausting. DatÁ€™s all I can say.
AUSSIE
Incredible.
MISS BRITT returns.
MISS BRITT
The room is ready.
FINA
(sighs)
So, letÁ€™s see if itÁ€™s gonna work out.
EVERYONE leaves the stage.
END OF SCENE 3
SCENE 4
ONE OF BEDROOMS IN MISS BRITTÁ€™S HOUSE
There is a table and two chairs on the stage. There are leaves, candles and RikkiÁ€™s accessories on the table.
FINA comes in and sits on a chair. MISS BRITT and ALPHARD come in.
MISS BRITT
Good luck, Fina. If you need anything, weÁ€™ll be in the dining room.
ALPHARD
Yeah, and if you meet Walburga in the afterlife or wherever, tell her that she can go fÁ€i
MISS BRITT
(tugs at ALPHARDÁ€™s sleeve)
Go!
MISS BRITT leaves, ALPHARD turns around to leave.
FINA
(to ALPHARD)
Why are saying dat? You donÁ€™t believe in it anyway.
ALPHARD
(shrugs his shoulders)
I donÁ€™t. But you do, and you are the one whoÁ€™s about to contact a spirit, not me.
ALPHARD smiles and leaves.
The spotlight light is on FINA and the table. FINA lights a candle.
FINA
(sighs)
Ancestors, please help me.
FINA starts mumbling words. RIKKI comes in and sits on the second chair, looking around. FINA opens her eyes.
FINA
(surprisingly)
Rikki!
RIKKI
(smiles)
Fina!
FINA
It workedÁ€i Such a weird feeling.
RIKKI
(confused)
How did you do it?
FINA
Long story short, my Celtic roots helped me.
RIKKI
This is so cool! By why did you
decide to do it?
FINA
Rikki, IÁ€™m so sorryÁ€i We tink someone poisoned you with belladonna, datÁ€™s why IÁ€™m here-
RIKKI
Bella? Donna?
FINA
Yes, datÁ€™s a plant. Uhm- did you have any arguments or quarrels with anyone of our family dat couldÁ€™ve led toÁ€i tis.
RIKKI
(tries to remember)
No, I donÁ€™t think so.
FINA
Anyting weird, Rikki. Not only today, but a mont ago, two monts ago.
RIKKI
(thinks)
Hm- well, something indeed happened two months ago, but it wasnÁ€™t an argument.
FINA
(leans closer)
What is it?
RIKKI
The- [RIKKI suddenly becomes silent] No, nothing. It doesnÁ€™t matter.
FINA
Any detail can macher.
RIKKI looks around.
FINA
No oneÁ€™s here. And no one can hear you, but me.
RIKKI
(leans closer)
Two months agoÁ€i
FINA and RIKKI keep speaking silently. AUSSIE comes in, the spotlight light is on him.
AUSSIE
to the audience
FinaÁ€™s trick did really work out which was a surprise for all of us. However, Rikki didnÁ€™t give her the exact name but she gave her some info, the key which would lead to the name.
The spotlight light is on FINA and RIKKI.
FINA
I- ohÁ€i Tank you for de information, Rikki. IÁ€™ll check everyting.
RIKKI
Do you think it might be-
FINA
I donÁ€™t know, but I promise Á€" weÁ€™ll find out who did tis to you. And now, I need to go.
FINA wants to blow out the candles.
RIKKI
Fina!
FINA looks at RIKKI.
RIKKI
IÁ€™ll be very glad if you decide to see me again. I really miss you, and Aussie, and miss Britt, and Eric, and Pat, and Alphard, and DeanÁ€i [RIKKIÁ€™s voice breaks] and dad, and Jack, and KimmiÁ€i
FINA
(smiles sadly)
We miss you too. I promise, IÁ€™ll see you again.
RIKKI
(smiles)
Then, no goodbyes? Until next time?
FINA
(smiles and nods)
Yes. Until next time.
FINA blows out the candles. RIKKI leaves. FINA stands up and walks in the opposite direction.
END OD SCENE 4
SCENE 5
DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTÁ€™S HOUSE
PATRICIA comes in. PATRICIA sits and pours some water in her glass, takes a sip. MISS BRITT comes in.
MISS BRITT
(nervously)
I told no one to leave this room.
PATRICIA
We all need a little break, donÁ€™t we?
MISS BRITT
Not when there is a murderer among us!
PATRICIA
Alphard is smoking outside, DeanÁ€™s with him. Aussie has just lost his sister, he needs to have some time to himself. EricÁ€i ThereÁ€™s too much pressure on him. We all are on pins and needles.
MISS BRITT
What do you suggest?
PATRICIA
Just waiting for the police? We donÁ€™t have the authority to sentence someone.
MISS BRITT
Everything is complicated. [little pause] I should check on Fina. ItÁ€™s been more than fifteen minutes already.
MISS BRITT leaves. PATRICIA takes another sip. ALPHARD, DEAN and AUSSIE come in.
ALPHARD
(to AUSSIE)
This is when Dean and me got thaÁ€™ big trout. Furious fish, I swear.
AUSSIE
You two just never haunted a real shark. It was a total disaster. Still have a scar on my arm.
ALPHARD
Wicked!
PATRICIA
You saw Eric?
ALPHARD
(sits)
No, why?
PATRICIA
JustÁ€i a weird feeling.
AUSSIE
(shrugs his shoulders)
HeÁ€™s somewhere here. No one left the house.
ERIC comes in.
ALPHARD
WhereÁ€™ve you been?
ERIC
(not understanding)
Bathroom. Wh-
MISS BRITT
(screams from another room)
FINA!
EVERYONE is shocked.
ALPHARD
Bloody Á€©ell!
EVERYONE except AUSSIE runs away from the stage.
AUSSIE
to the audience.
Let me get this clear for you. Miss Britt left to check on Fina, but when she entered one of bedrooms, no one was there. So, she kept on looking. As I mentioned before, Rikki had given Fina the key thatÁ€™s why Fina went to Miss Britt's office in an attempt to find it. However, the murderer turned out to be quicker and smarter than expected. They entered the office just when Fina was there, knocked her out and gave her a portion of belladonna. She was twitching and choking when miss Britt found her.
PATRICIA runs in and goes to the telephone.
AUSSIE
Pat called doctor Cameron. We still had time to help Fina. It was a miracle that she survived, as doctor Cameron told us after, that the concertation of atropine in FinaÁ€™s body was even higher than in RikkiÁ€™s.
ALPHARD, DEAN and ERIC come in and sit on chairs.
AUSSIE
In twenty minutes, we all returned in the dining room feeling petrified about what had just happened. Fina was alive, but she was unconscious, so we were not able to get any answers to our questions. Actually, the thing she got left raised much more questions Á€" it was one sheet of paper with a letter Á€®LÁ€« on it.
AUSSIE sits on the chair.
MISS BRITT comes in with the sheet of paper in her hand.
MISS BRITT
(coldly)
Á€®LÁ€«. [MISS BRITT shows the sheet to EVERYONE] ThatÁ€™s the only thing Fina managed to write, the only hint we have. [little pause. MISS BRITT starts screaming] No one will leave this room until the police get here. Do you understand?
ALPHARD
Miss Britt-
MISS BRITT
NO ONE! [pause] This isnÁ€™t a coincidence. Someone wanted to kill Rikki and then Fina. Someone whoÁ€™s in this room right now!
EVERYONE looks at each other nervously.
MISS BRITT
Eric. [ERIC look at MISS BRITT] Where were you when FinaÁ€™s contacting Rikki?
ERIC
Here, and then in the bathroom.
MISS BRITT
There are NO games!
PATRICIA
Miss Britt, donÁ€™t-
ERIC
I am not playing any games. I told you the truth.
MISS BRITT
Someone was in my office when Fina got poisoned, and this someone burnt some of my papers.
ALPHARD
(surprisingly)
WhaÁ€™ papers?
MISS BRITT
Some letters, postcards, bills. And the paper about changing the venue of the Congress on the English language development to Canada instead of the USA.
ERIC
(gets nervous)
No. Listen, I see how it looks like but it wasnÁ€™t me. I didnÁ€™t kill Rikki, I didnÁ€™t try to poison Fina.
MISS BRITT
You wanted this Congress to take place in the United States so much. WerenÁ€™t RikkiÁ€™s death and FinaÁ€™s poisoning just a distraction so you could get rid of this paper?! You wished no oneÁ€™d noticed.
ERIC
No! [little pause] I mean, yes, I wanted this Congress to take place in the US Á€" itÁ€™s such a great chance to attract new people, new minds and new money. But you gave this chance to Laurie and I accepted your choice. I would never sink so low and try toÁ€i kill. Stuff and nonsense.
Pause. EVERYONE sits in silent. MISS BRITT has got an idea.
MISS BRITT
IÁ€™ve changed my mind. You all, except Aussie, leave this room. Wait in the garden until I call for you back.
PATRICIA
Was? Why?
MISS BRITT
No questions, just leave. And keep your eyes on each other.
ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN and ERIC not understanding leave the stage.
AUSSIE
(nervously)
What is it?
MISS BRITT goes to a bookshelf and gets a book.
MISS BRITT
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Have you ever contacted a book writer?
AUSSIE
By calling them on the phone?...
MISS BRITT
Well, it works if they are alive. [MISS BRITT catches AUSSIEÁ€™s look]. You see, not everyone knows about this fact but book authors do not really die. I mean, physically, yes, they do, but their souls keep existing in their works. So, you may contact them if itÁ€™s necessary by reading some lines.
AUSSIE
(surprisingly)
Any book author?
MISS BRITT
(nods)
Yes. You just need one of their works.
MISS BRITT shows the book and opens it.
AUSSIE
Who are we gonna contact?
MISS BRITT
The master of the detective genre, of course. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Are you ready?
MISS BRITT starts reading lines. Light jumps. ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE (A.C. DOYLE) comes from the auditorium on stage with a newspaper in his hands, sits on the chair and starts reading.
MISS BRITT and AUSSIE turn around to see if itÁ€™s worked out.
AUSSIE
CrikeyÁ€i
MISS BRITT
(smiles and comes closer)
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
A.C. DOYLE looks at MISS BRITT, then at AUSSIE.
A.C. DOYLE
Yes.
MISS BRITT
Sir, IÁ€™m-
A.C. DOYLE
(nods softly)
Miss Britt Wisbech, the Head of
British English Society. I remember you, we met in 1921 and discussed Á€®The Coming of the FairiesÁ€«, did we not?
MISS BRITT
(smiles)
ThatÁ€™s right, sir.
A.C. DOYLE
And whoÁ€™s the gentleman?
MISS BRITT
ThatÁ€™s Aussie Wisbech, the son of Arthur Phillip Wisbech and the future Head of Australian English Society.
A.C. DOYLE
(looks at AUSSIE)
Is he?
AUSSIE
(nods)
Yes, sir.
Little pause.
A.C. DOYLE
What made you contact me?
MISS BRITT
Sir, we need your help. My niece, AussieÁ€™s sister, Rikki, was poisoned with belladonna during our family dinnuh. We are at an impasse and donÁ€™t know whot to do.
A.C. DOYLE
Have you asked for help from a medium?
AUSSIE
Pardon, sir?
A.C. DOYLE
A medium, a psychic, a clairvoyant? Please, call him whatever you want.
AUSSIE
Well, in some way we have, butÁ€i our Á€®mediumÁ€« got poisoned too.
A.C. DOYLE
Hm, very interesting. So, itÁ€™s not a coincidence. [little pause] The butler did it.
MISS BRITT
I donÁ€™t think itÁ€™s possible, sir.
A.C. DOYLE
Whom do you suspect then?
AUSSIE
There is one guyÁ€i
MISS BRITT
Á€ibut there is no real evidence against him, just assumptions. And everyoneÁ€™s innocent until proven guilty.
A.C. DOYLE
No, not when itÁ€™s that serious. Do you know what your fault is? You underestimate the murderer. Whoever he is, he is very sly and cautious. So, think otherwise Á€" everyoneÁ€™s guilty until proven innocent.
Little pause.
A.C. DOYLE
And talking about poisoning, especially with belladonna, IÁ€™d recommend you contact another author who knows pretty much about such things.
MISS BRITT
(nods)
Thank you for your help, sir.
A.C. DOYLE
(nods and smiles)
Good luck.
A.C. DOYLE leaves the stage.
AUSSIE
Whom was he talking about?
MISS BRITT looks at AUSSIE surprisingly.
MISS BRITT
YouÁ€™re kidding, right?
AUSSIE
No.
MISS BRITT comes to the bookshelf and takes another book.
MISS BRITT
(opens the book)
Dame Agatha Christie, of course. Almost a half of all her detective novels is connected with poisoning.
MISS BRITT starts reading lines.
Light jumps. AGATHA CHRISTIE comes in and sits on the chair with a piece of paper and a pencil in her hands.
MISS BRITT and AUSSIE turn around.
AUSSIE
CanÁ€™t believe it actually works.
MISS BRITT
Dame Agatha Christie?
AGATHA CHRISTIE looks at MISS BRITT.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
Yes. Oh! Miss Britt Wisbech. Arthur said youÁ€™d contact me.
AUSSIE
You mean, sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
AGATHA CHRISTIE
(nods)
Uh-huh. I am very sorry about this whole situation. One thing Á€" when you write something like this, and another thing Á€" when it actually happens to someone. Belladonna is a very strong poison; do you know where a murderer could get it?
AUSSIE
Yes, maÁ€™am, our friend plants it
on his farm.
MISS BRITT
But someone sneaked in there about a month ago, and broke branches of belladonna bushes.
AUSSIE
According to DeanÁ€™s wordsÁ€i
AGATHA CHRISTIE
(to MISS BRITT)
ItÁ€™s hard for you to believe that a member of your family could do anything like this, I see. But the reality may be brutal sometimes and even the closest people may betray.
MISS BRITT
(uncertainly)
Rikki isÁ€i Who even could think of killing her? And then of poisoning Fina?
AGATHA CHRISTIE
Fina Á€" your medium friend? [MISS
BRITT and AUSSIE nod] Did she manage to find out anything?
MISS BRITT
All she wrote before losing consciousness is a letter Á€®LÁ€«.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
A letter?
AUSSIE
Yes, Á€®LÁ€«. But none of our names starts with an Á€®LÁ€«.
AGATHA CHRISTIE looks at AUSSIE.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
Hm, interesting. I feel like youÁ€™ve already solved this case but donÁ€™t know about it yet. I deem you should take some things literally and pay more attention to little details. There are plenty of them, believe me.
MISS BRITT
But, maÁ€™am, we donÁ€™t even know where to start.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
YouÁ€™ve already started, my dear. Just keep it going and don't let the love to your family hide the real image of the situation from you. I shall go. Good luck to all of you!
MISS BRITT
Thank you so much, maÁ€™am.
AGATHA CHRISTIE leaves the stage. MISS BRITT puts the book back on the shelf.
AUSSIE
Did you get her point?
MISS BRITT
(uncertainly)
I feel so.
AUSSIE
DidnÁ€™t she remind you of doctor Cameron a bit, physically?
MISS BRITT
(nods)
Yes, actually. ThatÁ€™s weird, but maybe they are distant relatives. [pause] Please, call for everyone back.
AUSSIE leaves and returns with ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN and ERIC. EVERYONE except MISS BRITT sits.
ALPHARD
So, is there anything you want to tell us?
MISS BRITT
Yes. [little pause] From now, everybody in this room is a suspect.
Pause.
PATRICIA
Vielleicht we should stop it already? Just wait for the police and for what they say.
DEAN
(nods)
Not a bad idea.
MISS BRITT
Wait when thereÁ€™s a murderer among us?
ALPHARD
Come on, dear sister, we understand your worry and wish to find out who did it, buÁ€™ really, you canÁ€™t seriously blame everyone. I was only joking about that.
MISS BRITT
Why not?
ALPHARD
AlrighÁ€™, letÁ€™s blame everyone. LetÁ€™s blame me for any reason; blame Aussie because heÁ€™s RikkiÁ€™s brovuh; blame Dean because he plants belladonna; blame Eric because he loves cool cars; blame Pat because she brought the wine; blame you because youÁ€™re the hosÁ€™-
MISS BRITT
(turns away)
We must think rationally.
AUSSIE
to the audience
We all were exhausted because of stress and tension and just wanted this day to end.
PATRICIA
(to ALPHARD)
IÁ€™d blame you, Alphard, just because you can be such a jerk occasionally.
DEAN and ERIC
Agree.
ALPHARD rolls his eyes.
ALPHARD
IÁ€™d blame you, PaÁ€™, just because Rikki said she wouldnÁ€™t write an invitation letter for you.
MISS BRITT
(turns around sharply)
What?
ALPHARD
(looks at MISS BRITT)
Oh, you wasnÁ€™t there when this
conversation happened. PaÁ€™-
PATRICIA
I said, I didnÁ€™t like kangaroos, und spiders, und snakes, und koalasÁ€i Rikki got offended und said she wouldnÁ€™t write an invitation letter for me if I decided to visit Australia one day.
MISS BRITT
But why would Rikki write an invitation letter for you? The one whoÁ€™s in charge of the Society is supposed to do it. Now itÁ€™s Arthur and after him itÁ€™s going to be Aussie.
PATRICIA
(shrugs her shoulders)
DonÁ€™t know. Maybe she got jealous of Aussie und imagined like she was in charge.
MISS BRITT realises and leaves swiftly.
ALPHARD
Where- [ALPHARD waves his hand] ThatÁ€™s her Á€©ouse anyway.
Pause.
PATRICIA
(staring at nothing)
Was are you all thinking about right now?
ERIC
When the police come, it wonÁ€™t be over. ItÁ€™ll be just the beginning of an investigation.
DEAN
One of us has actually murdered Rikki. And tried to murder Fina.
ALPHARD
I wouldnÁ€™ mind some music.
AUSSIE
I wouldnÁ€™t mind something strong
alcoholic.
PATRICIA, ALPHARD, DEAN and ERIC
Agree.
Pause.
AUSSIE
to the audience
Miss Britt was gone for about fifteen minutes. All this time we were just sitting in the dining room, rarely exchanging phrases. But when she came back, that was the moment X.
MISS BRITT comes in slowly being lost and hiding something in her hand. She stops and looks at ALPHARD trying to hold her tears.
ALPHARD
(being worried)
Miss Britt? Are you alrighÁ€™?
AUSSIE
to the audience
That was the moment they truly knew who had murdered poor Rikki. Well, miss Britt knew. Her intelligence and British legacy played a significant role in this investigation and led her to the key. She was ready to announce her surmise. She knew that the murderer was no other thanÁ€i
MISS BRITT
(looks coldly at AUSSIE)
Á€iyou, Aussie.
AUSSIE
(smirks and talks to the audience)
Told you, she was too quick-witted. DidnÁ€™t really take it into consideration. My bad, but I wasnÁ€™t going to give up that easily. Not after, what IÁ€™d done.
AUSSIE turns to MISS BRITT.
ALPHARD
(being shocked)
WhaÁ€™? Look, miss Britt, I was kiddinÁ€™ about blaming Aussie, alrighÁ€™?
AUSSIE
(puts his arms out and smiles friendly)
Miss Britt, I understand that we all are tired and scared but please, letÁ€™s not do things we will regret.
MISS BRITT takes a piece of paper and shows it to AUSSIE.
MISS BRITT
You burnt the wrong letter.
AUSSIEÁ€™s smile fades.
PATRICIA
Was is going on in here?
MISS BRITT
YouÁ€™ll tell them or should I?
AUSSIE
I donÁ€™t understand what youÁ€™re talking about.
MISS BRITT
(opens the letter and starts reading)
Á€®Dear Miss Britt, sending you the second letter as I forgot to mention one very important detail in the first one. Aussie asked not to tell you yet, but I feel like you must know. Please, be kind to him and donÁ€™t ask any questions about the December ceremony. I guess you heard about a car accident which had happened two months ago near Melbourne and caused death of two little boys. Aussie was driving his car, being drunk, that day. The case was dropped but I deprived him of the right to become the Head of Australian English Society, despite the fact heÁ€™s my older son. Rikki will take this place instead of him. Also, I wanted to know Á€" as I learnt from some sources, Aussie visited England last month, wasnÁ€™t he staying in your house? Sincerely, your Arthur.Á€«
Pause.
PATRICIA
You hit those boys with your car?
MISS BRITT
ThatÁ€™s why your car is still being repaired. And thatÁ€™s why Arthur will forbid any kind of alcohol on the ceremony. Tell me if IÁ€™m wrong.
AUSSIE looks at MISS BRITT silently.
AUSSIE
ThatÁ€™s true about the accident. I actually did hit those boys.
MISS BRITT
It was you who sneaked in DeanÁ€™s farm, wasnÁ€™t it? Exactly a month ago, when you visited England but none of us knew about it.
DEAN
Is the scar on yer arm really from shark hunting or from my prickly bushes?
AUSSIE
Shark hunting.
DEAN
Oh, sorry then, just thought it could be from the bushes as I have some scars on my hands and legs. [DEAN wants to show his scars]
AUSSIE
Oh, itÁ€™s OK.
DEAN
Yer sure? I just accused you only because of my small guess.
AUSSIE
No, itÁ€™s really OK.
DEAN
Oh, good then.
ALPHARD
Dean?
DEAN
Ah? [little pause] Oh, right.
AUSSIE
(to MISS BRITT)
Is this the whole story youÁ€™ve
made up?
MISS BRITT
Oh, believe me, itÁ€™s just the beginning. You poisoned wine in RikkiÁ€™s glass when we werenÁ€™t paying attention. You made Rikki take her new car from Oz which was quite unnecessary but you knew that Eric would love it, so it would be easier to blame everything on him. You also knew
that Eric wanted the Congress to take place in the USA thatÁ€™s why you burnt the paper in which I confirmed the change of location to Canada. But what you also did Á€" you burnt the letter from your father because no one would notice such a little detail, right? However, you burnt the first letter in which Arthur apologised for being not able to visit our dinner. You got outmanoeuvred by Fina. Her Á€®LÁ€« on the sheet of paper stood for Á€®letterÁ€«. I thought ArthurÁ€™s second letter, she brought today morning, was a usual invitation, so did she, I believe. But after the conversation with Rikki, Fina learnt the truth and decided to hide the evidence. SheÁ€™d hidden it in her pocket quite before you entered my office, punched her and made her drink some water with belladonna in it.
Little pause. EVERYONE tries to process information.
PATRICIA
(whispers)
Scheiíe.
AUSSIE
(slowly)
I didnÁ€™t plan to poison Fina, she just got too close.
ERIC
But you wanted to poison your sister?
AUSSIE
I didnÁ€™t have any choice. Power is power and it requires sacrifice. She took my status. That was MY status by law. IÁ€™ve been waiting for over two hundred years to get it.
PATRICIA
This is only your fault that you lost it.
AUSSIE
That was just a mistake.
ALPHARD
A mistake? You killed two innocenÁ€™ children. Then you killed Rikki and tried to kill Fina. This is what you call Á€®no
choiceÁ€«, seriously?
ERIC
And you tried to blame it on us.
MISS BRITT
And you know what was the worst? You pretended you felt sorry for RikkiÁ€™s death. Lousy trick we fell for.
AUSSIE
Well, I did feel sorry. But as I said, power requires sacrifice. I asked Rikki to act here like I was still the future Head. She didnÁ€™t suspect anything and agreed as she wanted to support me and knew how crushed I was after the accident. I did it for Australia, for my home, as Rikki had no clue in ruling things. I did it for all of us Á€" for our family, to make it great again.
MISS BRITT
Our family is the noble and most ancient house of Wisbech! [with contempt] And youÁ€™ve just disgraced it.
DEAN
What are we gonna do now?
MISS BRITT
(comes to the telephone)
IÁ€™m calling the police.
AUSSIE
(crosses the room and grabs MISS BRITTÁ€™s hand)
No, youÁ€™re not.
ALPHARD
(jumps to his feet)
Hey, put your Á€©ands away from Á€©er!
AUSSIE
(takes his hands away)
Alright, relax. See? IÁ€™m not causing any harm.
ERIC
(stands up)
What do you want?
AUSSIE
Just to keep the status of the Head. I have so many ideas and ways to develop Australian English.
MISS BRITT
Australian English will disappear if you become the Head of Society.
AUSSIE
You just donÁ€™t know my ideas. They are horribly beautiful.
MISS BRITT looks out of the window and sees the policemen outside. MISS BRITT cautiously nods at ALPHARD.
ALPHARD
You want to create beauty out of
ugliness?
AUSSIE
Genuineá beautyá is always quite alarming and, ironically, always quite ugly.
MISS BRITT nods at ERIC, PATRICIA and DEAN and starts stepping back carefully.
ALPHARD
Is it?
AUSSIE
Yes, and-
POLICE OFFICER runs in.
POLICE OFFICER
Armedá police, stay where you are!á
ALPHARD
(points at AUSSIE)
ThatÁ€™s Á€©im, officer! HeÁ€™s the murderer. He confessed it, we all heard.
POLICE OFFICER grabs AUSSIE.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.
AUSSIE
(smirks)
You know, Alphard, we are not that different. We have pretty much in common.
ALPHARD
(coldly)
No, we donÁ€™t. I have my family, youÁ€™ve just lost yours.
AUSSIE
to the audience
I didnÁ€™t lie though, this story appeared to be very traumatic for me.
POLICE OFFICER takes AUSSIE away, then returns alone.
POLICE OFFICER
(comes to MISS BRITT)
Is this your house, maÁ€™am?
MISS BRITT
Yes.
POLICE OFFICER
We need to ask you some questions. [POLICE OFFICER turns to EVERYONE] All of you. Inspector Hide is waiting outside.
MISS BRITT
Of course, weÁ€™ll be there in one minute.
POLICE OFFICER nods and leaves.
PATRICIA
Was zum Teufel war das?...
ERIC
I feel like no one has any explanation.
ALPHARD
(comes to MISS BRITT)
You alrighÁ€™?
MISS BRITT
Yes. [MISS BRITT turns to ERIC] Eric, I apologise for blaming all this on you. It mustÁ€™ve been such a stress to you.
ERIC
(smiles)
Thanks, miss Britt. To be honest, deep inside I started blaming myself too even though I knew I was innocent.
MISS BRITT
(smiles sadly)
We have to go downstairs. I think we need some days or months to process whatÁ€™s just happened.
DEAN
Or years.
ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN, ERIC and MISS BRITT leave the stage. MISS BRITT returns in some seconds.
MISS BRITT
to the audience
You didn't think this story would end like this, did you? Well, it will end, doubtlessly, but let me tell you what happened next. Aussie was sentenced to imprisonment for the remainder of his life. Arthur Phillip Wisbech was terribly frustrated after he was told at first about Rikki and then about Aussie. It was decided that he kept being the Head of Australian English Society, as long as it took. Talking about Fina, she got better and the first thing she did after waking up Á€" she told us about Aussie. We assured her that the danger had left behind. Oh, and Dorothy Á€" police officers found her locked in a closet. Aussie did it, so she couldnÁ€™t help Rikki or call for any of us. But she was alright, frightened, but alright. We all returned to our Á€®normalÁ€« life, as normal as it could be. Laurie asked Eric for help with the organisation of the Congress. Pat implemented reforms connected with English in Germany. Alphard and Dean-
ALPHARD
out of the curtains
Miss Britt! Where are you? Dean wants to show us the classic West-Country film.
FINA
out of the curtains
I want to believe dat one day, weÁ€™ll watch Harry Potter all together. Hagrid speaks West-Country English, you know?
DEAN
out of the curtains
WeÁ€™ll watch it but after this film about cops.
MISS BRITT
to the audience
I guess, I need to go. [little pause] What lesson can I learn from all this situation? [MISS BRITT smirks] Tough question. WellÁ€i the burnt roast beef definitely wasnÁ€™t the worst part of it. [MISS BRITT turns to the curtains] Coming!
MISS BRITT smiles to the audience and leaves.
THE END
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