Lady Phoenix - A Sonnet Disorder 

I was in hell. You weren"t; or, rather, you were not. 
Or, rather, it wasn"t hell; or, rather, it was and you just forgot. 
You don"t know how it feels; rather, you can"t know how it feels; or, better still,
You can"t feel what it feels. 
Meaning the hell"s what I feel; the hell"s what I make of it; the hell"s all entirely my fault. 
Meaning if you can"t feel what I feel it shouldn"t be hell at all. 
So I"d rather be you; an unable to feel what it feels; a knowing how it should have been
Had I known, had I thought, had I seen.......

And now I am you; i.e. a mirror, over which a wounded Sylvia Lucas and Victoria Plath bend 
Searching for my reaches for whom they might really stand 
Hadn"t they been as bulimic as to swallow and later invent
The pain never felt, the pain never known, the pain that forces me to become a stone
And also gives me a power to stone - with my glance alone....
A self-prey of the hangman, a punishing hybris,
Hanging around, between Scyll and Charybdis, 
Sometimes clean, at times drunk, now and then stoned
Inhaling the crystalline mint of cocaine - ADHD: stands for My Pain,
Forbidden to breastfeed, forbidden to moan;
Not entirely myself; always on her own.