AN ANDREW ALEXANDRE OWIE VAUDEVILLE
AFTER THE BALL
THE XIX CENTURY. ABBEY OF DOWNTON. THE BALL IS OVER. BUT IT IS TOO EARLY TO LEAVE AND ACCORDING TO CUSTOM GUESTS ARE BEING DIVIDED INTO TWO PARTIES: GENTLEMEN HAVE GONE TO THEIR CARDS, PORTWEIN AND CIGARS. THE LADIES HAVE GATHERED IN CIRCLE FOR DISCUSSING THEIR SECRET AFFAIRS, FINERY, HAIRDOS AND DIAMONDS AND OTHER PARAPHERNALIA.
BOTH PARTIES ARE SPENDING VERY GOOD TIME AND HAVING GOT MUCH FUN. SH-SH! EVERYBODY IS CHATTERING. THE KEY TOPIC OF THIS IDLE CHAT IS THE HANDSOME YOUNG DANDY FROM FRANCE WHO WAS THE BEAU OF THE BALL, CHARMED ALL LADIES, BUT UNWITTINGLY HURT GENTlEMEN`S PRIDE AND TOOK FRENCH LEAVE. THE HASTE OF HIS RETREAT MADE THE GENTLEMEN THINK THAT THE HARD WAY, THE GRIND, THE MORAL LESSON, DUTY AND EVEN MONEY ALL WERE LOSING OUT TO THE EASY WAY AND CHARM. WHAT AN AFFRONT TO PUBLIC MORALITY! ALL GENTLEMEN THOUGHT TO THEMSELVES: CASANOVA, S.O.B. BUT THE EXPLANATION WAS QUITE SIMPLE: `THE PUBLISHERS HAD PRAISED HIS NOVEL PRETTY HIGHLY AND IT RATHER WENT TO HIS HEAD`(I hope that you, my dear reader, will forgive me this Hemingwayesque!). Mais revenons à nos moutons, i.e. Let's get back to the subject:
RIGHT NOW OUR GENTLEMEN, A KIND OF THE JURY, ARE EXCHANGING OF QUICK, BITTER AND WITTY COMMENTS ON
THE HUMAN FRAILTY OF THE BEAU
THE 1st: Beau of the Ball whom Nature made so groovy ... (AGREE! AGREE!)
THE 2nd: Whose wit`s twice taught instead of being once bought! (BUT HE`S YOUNG)
THE 3rd: When being addressed he talks a lot of phooey! (WHY?)
THE 4th: He`s said to have been pretty fond of drugs and bottle. (REALLY!)
THE 5th: Fool on a hill, his suit is but a waste of money. (FIE!)
THE 6th: I`ve heard he is halfday abed, not worth an ace. (WOW!)
THE 7th: His leisure is to prowl night spots to pick up pretty bunnies, (LUCKY!)
THE 8th: Trust me, in dreams on a rich missus he has got a case! (I KNOW LIFE, MISTA!)
THE 9th: He is a pearl of beauty of the imitation jewelry, (SONNY, JUST TELL IT TO MARINES!)
THE 10th: He often places his ass in jeopardy, he is released on bail. (IF TO TRUST THE SUN!)
THE 11th: What if he is a secret lover of the youth who didn`t reach maturity? (HA-HA! WHAT RUBBISH!)
THE 12th: (GEE! LEMME THINK!)
A sexy impotent, or so prematurely
He would have hardly left our cosy little gathering,
Though he`s got two of everything
Today!
SOON THEIR REPARTEE IS BEING TRANSFORMED INTO THE PLAYFUL AND FRIENDLY EXCHANGE OF TEASING REMARKS ON THE FRENCH ON THE WHOLE. THERE IS THE TIME FOR FUNNY STORIES:
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BONJOUR, LA TOUR!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson came to Paris. They`re observing la Tour d`Eiffel.
Holmes: When I was here 25 years ago, they`d already had it there.
Dr. Watson: It looks like they`ve failed to recover the oil so far.
FRENCH FROM BORN
The six-month old baby warns her mom:
-Dear mom, please, be ready to use the second tit, tonight I gonna share my dinner with my colleague.
HOME, SWEET HOME
A French magazine for men declared the winner of the describe-your-morning contest.
The prize went to the gentleman who wrote just one phrase:
I get up, have my breakfast and go home!
FAMILY VALUES
France. Paris. Drugstore.
Man: I gonna have a black condom.
Chemist: Why black, monsieur?
Man: The husband of my ladyfriend`s gone!
Chemist: How nice of you! My condolences!
OH, THOSE BLACK EYES!
The French police commissioner is filling in the examination record of a lady-thief. When he comes to the section EYES he writes:
Black, burning, expressive, full of passion and fervent supplication. One of eyes is absent.
THE RIGHT CLASSIFFICATION
Two French men:
- A good wife has got a husband and a lover.
- Who`s then is a bad wife?
- A bad wife has got only a lover.
- I thought that it was a whore!
- No, a whore is the one who has got neither husband nor lover.
- I thought it was a lonely woman.
- Nay, a lonely woman has got only a husband.
THE LADIES BEHIND THE WALL ARE HEARING THE INCESSANT ROARS OF LAUGHTER:
- Agatha, what do you think our dear hubbies are talking about?
- About the same things we are used to talk too!
- But this is really a-a-a-we-some!
SILVERING SOUND OF LADIES` LAUGHTER!
THE END
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